Issue of June 17, 2018
     
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Introducing my son’s father and afraid of my son

Dear Manang,

I have kept my secret for almost 14 years from many friends and family about who my son’s father is. Recently, I separated from my husband with whom I have one child because he had become abusive. Although it was only me that he hurt physically, my son was his object of verbal abuse. My son has been receiving psychiatric care but his depression has gotten worst and I don’t want to lose him. He already stopped going to school. I am reaching out to his biological father in the hope that a healthier father image might help him. Am I doing the right thing?

Monica -- Sta. Escholastica, Baguio City

Dear Monica,

The effect of abusive relationships on children is really unseen and unqualified. Some can champion it after some years but many remain broken. I have no expertise on psychological matters but I can only express some opinions over your case, particularly since your son is an adolescent in search of an identity. Introducing him to his biological father could heal him only if the man will be a positive model. You have to walk with care in what you are about to do. It could be detrimental or good. Sometimes knowing your real father can help put pieces of yourself together. I hope your son doesn’t blame you for his misery because you didn’t let him live with his father instead of suffering with his adoptive one. They say love heals all wounds. Just show your son all the love you can give in the meantime. Explain yourself too to both and what goals you intend for the intro.

Be clear,

Manang

Dear Manang,

I am afraid of my son. I think he will kill me if he has an opportunity. I was young when I had a relationship with his mother but she left me after two years and returned to Manila. When he was a teenager, his mother called me and told me that she couldn’t take care of him anymore. I was single so I agreed. I later found out that she died of cancer. I didn’t know what she said to him but my son has some resentment and when we argue, he is quick to say that he hates me. I spent for his college tuition but he dropped out. I tried to get him a job but he resigned. Then he left me. Now he wants to live with me again but with his wife and son. I am afraid he will poison me because I am just existing on my pension and don’t have much to give.

Nanding -- Fairview, Baguio City

Dear Nanding,

You sound paranoid. Have you tried seeking psychiatric counseling? What did you do or didn’t you do to your son to remove the resentment? Maybe you didn’t talk to him when you got him. Maybe you also said harsh words that he didn’t forget. Maybe he blamed you for his mother’s death or his hard life? Maybe it is just that you haven’t really spent time with your son and had a heart to heart talk. Your grandson could be the link that you need. Begin the connection there. Maybe you haven’t seen the good side of your son? Look for the good things.

Begin to appreciate,

Manang

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