June 3, 2023

When deadline is due and writer’s block sets in, go to the whipping boys of the Bar.

An old Ilocano had a son and when the boy had reached the age of 16, the father began to wonder what vocation his son would follow; so, he decided on a little experiment.
He left a P1,000 bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible in a room, then watched from behind a curtain to see which the boy would select when he entered. If he chooses the money, he is going to be a businessman; if he selects the whiskey, he is going to be a drunkard; but if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest.
In a little while, the son came, caught sight of the objects, glanced around and saw that he was apparently alone.
Then he picked up the P1,000 and stuck it in his pocket; took a drink of the whiskey, then placed the bottle in his pocket too; and, picking up the Bible, put it under his arm and walked out of the room. The father groaned, “Great heavens! He’s going to be a lawyer.”

Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 a.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Dante was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your honor, can I get a new attorney?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a moustache and beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Guess!

Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Change your lawyer ASAP if:
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you cell cards, Tupperware and tocino.
He tells you that his last good case was a “San Mig Light.”
When prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He selects documentary evidence by playing “mini-mini-mini-mo.”
During trial, you catch him playing Tetris or watching YouTube under the table.
He places a “No refunds” sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, “As Sharon Cuneta once said …”
Just before trial starts, he asks, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
Just before he says “Your honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing law since 2:25 p.m.”
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”
The signage at his law office reads: Notary public. ‘Pag Sabado at Linggo, tumatangap ng labada.”
The opposing counsel came from a school where “mahirap ang Criminal Law”, while your lawyer came from a school where “mahirap ang parking.”

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