People constantly tell me: “Before you can love others, love yourself first.” Did I ever really love myself? Growing up, I realized that compared to others, I lack self-esteem. I simply waited within darkness and silence, hoping that someone will stop me from putting myself down. I consistently reject attempts to change, frequently to the point that I feel they are completely meaningless, since I feel unworthy. The fact that I’m the one criticizing myself rather than embracing myself is a terrible truth.
It all started when I was making friends back then. I felt like I was putting too much effort to be liked but no one considered me as a true friend. They were not hiding the fact, neither were they ashamed that they only want to be friends with me for convenience. That’s when I began to doubt my ability to do anything worthwhile and my wrecking my confidence because I can’t even have one single true friend. I began to be self-conscious in everything I did. I developed a really toxic mindset, believing that “Even if I try to be nice to them and do better, nothing will change in how they see me.”
I began to treat myself as a complete failure as time passed. It became worse when I met more people, whether they are my relative or a classmate. I really feel insecure when I’m talking to them. I always overthink things and believe that every word I utter is nothing more than a waste of words. I tried talking it out with my friends and parents, but they told me that it’s just a part of puberty so I really thought it’s just a part of my growing up phase, but no.
Until now, I procrastinate, repeatedly putting off things I need to do even though I know I need to finish them. I feel stuck when faced with an exciting opportunity. I dream of doing something of great personal significance, but I never get around to doing anything about it. I grind to a halt when trying to accomplish my goals for no apparent reason. Although I have the ability and the drive to succeed, something prevents me from doing so. I often tell myself that I’m not good enough or successful enough.
“You can’t do that”, “You don’t deserve that”, “If you try, you’ll probably simply fail anyhow,” and more similar statements cross my mind. In addition, I keep making excuses and I always attempt to gain other’s approval over-scrutinizing that my opinion or point of view is impractical. I experienced feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness, the conviction that I don’t deserve success, and sometimes even self-hatred.
I neglected to love myself and was just concerned with ruining it since I was so focused on the other person’s perspective. Realization hit me and taught me to make every effort to keep from rejecting my own happiness by acknowledging that giving pain to myself essentially results in the death of the version of myself that always aspired to be a person who can live in this world without any concerns. Moreover, this stage of life has taught me a valuable lesson that I should never forget. Self-sabotage is the worst thing that can possibly happen to someone, it can cause people to undervalue their abilities, suppress their emotions, or lash out at those around them. However, bear in mind that at the end of the day, the only companion we have is ourselves. Instead of standing in your own way, create a better path for yourself.
