Imagine having a nice shelf with untouched collections. You didn’t want to use the notebooks you bought, because your handwriting’s too bad that it would ruin it. You don’t want your books to have dog ears, so you let them collect dust. Your medals rusty, trophies broken, and every corner of your once beautiful shelf could cause you an allergy anytime soon. You were so afraid of ruining things that you didn’t want to touch it but in the end, time ended up eating it up and those collections were not able to fulfill their purpose.
Similarly, I’m like those collections in the shelf. Oftentimes, I am so careful that I don’t want to get myself out of the shelf because I can’t be like others or that I’m afraid of failures. I waste my resources to myself and choose to not live a life of purpose because I don’t want to embark on that difficult journey. But then, if I’m going to rot like those collections in the shelf, then at least I wanted myself to be worn out. I want to have creases, smudges, dust, and stains, because at least it would have shown that I have maximized my potentials instead of ending up the same way, but only to rot away in passivity.
I want to live as my multifaceted self. I’ve always enjoyed exploring different things. Although I knew I’m not great on a lot of things, I perceive myself as multi-passionate. I envy those who knows what they want to be at an early age. I’ve never considered myself as anything else other than being a writer and photographer, not exactly as a career but as the closest thing to what I can call my passion.
I’ve seen a lot of people live lives more than their careers. Never did I know that this call center agent, writes a book, concocts perfumes, and has been chasing her dream on the shadows. Never did I know that this photographer is good at sports and an enthusiastic gamer. And here I am thinking that I’m just a frustrated academic who’s got nothing else going on when I started failing because college overwhelmed me.
I tried so hard to compensate for what I lacked, I joined the publication and strived so hard for validation, I learned how to do photography to go along with my friends back in the pandemic, and I’ve stepped up my game so that I could be worthy for the multimedia team. I joined competitions, learned new things, and put myself on uncomfortable situations in hopes that I would not just be an academic who’s got nothing to do after graduation.
I’m afraid of amounting to nothing and I’m afraid that my shortcomings may define me, invalidate my growth, and ruin my image. I’ve limited myself thinking that I’m not like the others who’s talented in the arts nor am I a leader figure who has not undergone much of the leadership trainings that other people had. But I want to try, because I believe we are multifaceted beings who are capable of so many things. I don’t like being categorized on a specific category, so I think it’s just fitting.
All I knew before was that I was a jack of all trades and a master of none, and it felt like I was mediocre. It was not until I learned the full quote, “a jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one.” It’s not to put down those who have only mastered one because I still think that those who fully dedicate themselves into their crafts are commendable. They become the very image of their craft like how I think of specific people when I think about different fields of expertise.
All I want to say is that I’m going back to how I just write poems and stories as a kid. I’m going back to trying out new trends in photography. I’m going back to stepping up for those who believes in me. And I’m doing more than I ever did with the same genuine passion I used to have when I was starting. I want to take myself out of the shelf, having lived life and thinking less of my regrets, because I know I would regret it more if I let my past mistakes become the reason for my present and future’s error as well. That is why I want to leave the shelf so that I could finally live as myself.
July 27, 2024
