May 23, 2024

(Editors’ note: The Courier is reprinting the columns of the late Atty. Benedicto T. Carantes as a tribute to one of its long-time columnists. This piece was published on Feb. 9, 2014)

An amorous good-for-nothing bum sends the following text message to his beloved: “Mahal, magkita tayo mamayang alas singko sa waiting shed, doon sa paradahan ng tricycle. Valentine’s Day ngayon, baka hindi mo alam.”
Mahal replies: “Hindi ako puede sa alas singko. Alas siete siguro, pag-alis ng aking among misis at magbibingo sa kabilang barangay. Wala kasi siyang pang-mahjong. ‘Yong aking among mister ay nagpaalam kay misis na mayroon siyang lakad sa Dagupan na importante at pagkakakitaan, pero ang totoo, meron siyang kulasisi, hindi alam ni misis. Tsaka, huwag doon sa lugar na tinutukoy mo. Doon nagtitinda ng mais ang dati kong boyfriend.”
Sagot ni loko: “Bigtime na ang ex mo mahal, hindi na mais kundi shabu ang binebenta niya. Malas lang at natimbog siya ng PDEA. Sige, aabangan na lang kita sa waiting shed mamayang alas siete. Mag-toothbrush ka at mag-shower, ha.”

A girlfriend of a prelate sends the following message to her innomorato: “Let’s have dinner at our favorite restaurant tonight. We need to be early, since the place will be full at seven. Sex o’clock okay with you?”
Loverboy priest replies: “I have to say mass at six and solemnize a wedding at the same time. Besides, if the place will be full as you say, we shouldn’t go there. I don’t like being stared at by gossipers talking behind our backs.”
His sweetheart replies: “Look, how long have we been dating, 10, 15 years? People are already used to seeing us together. What you should worry about is what St. Peter will say to you when you arrive at the pearly gates. Besides, Valentine’s Day is for lovers, and we are lovers, are we not?”
Father does not answer, and shuts off his cellphone.

The lawyer’s secretary sends the following text to her boss: “Are we going out on Valentine’s Day? Tell me, so I can make other plans. Your kumpadre, who is separated from his wife, wants to take me out to dinner, and I don’t think I can put him off any longer.”
Attorney replies to the text: “Look, how many times do I have to tell you that a Valentine’s Day dinner is out of the question? If I disappear on Valentine’s Day, the missus will get suspicious and that could be bothersome if not hazardous to our relationship. Tell you what, we can go out on the 13th or the 15th, better the latter so we can have a fulfilling weekend. The gold necklace I bought will look good on you.”
The secretary replies: “Thanks honey, you are a dear, but I am still holding on to your promise – that you will leave your wife so we can be together for the rest of our lives.”
Playboy attorney quickly deletes the reply, as his kumpadre peeks over his shoulder.

A coed sends the following text to her boyfriend: “Where will we spend Valentine’s Day? The beach sounds like a lot of fun. Don’t forget the rubbers.”
Boyfriend replies: “The beach sounds good, but no rubbers. I like to feel you, not the darn condom.”
Coed answers: “Langga, I don’t want to get pregnant. My dad will kill me. Why don’t I Deniece Cornejo you instead? That would be exciting – and safe. No extortion, I swear.”

His Honor sends the following text to his department head: “Unable to see you on the 14th. Too many complications, I promise to make it up to you later. By the way, your check is with the driver, who will deliver it to you today. The check covers the last payment of your Ambaya bungalow. A great place for getaway weekends.”
Department head joyfully replies: “Thanks babes. You think we can spend the next weekend there? The place is so peaceful and quiet, perfect for romance, no heads turning around checking who is sleeping with who.”
His Honor answers: “Speaking of quiet, keep everything to yourself. I don’t want that SOB columnist writing another nasty column about “sex and the city.”
Department head answers: “The guy just craves attention, what he really needs is a good lay. You think I should accommodate him? He he he.”

Dutiful husband sends the following text to his wonderful spouse: “So sweetheart, where do you want to go this evening?”
Wife replies: “Nowhere. Let’s just stay home and watch television with the kids. This Valentine mania is getting to be boring and cloying, and I hate celebrating with the illicit, who will be out in full force tonite.”
Happy Valentine’s!